Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas:
Recently, I had the honor of being selected as a judge at a chili cook-off in Texas. I have to admit, it was not my first choice, but circumstances led me to that coveted seat at the judge’s table. As fate would have it, the original judge fell ill, and I just happened to be in the right place at the right time, seeking directions to the beer wagon. Little did I know that this experience would take me on a spicy, unforgettable journey.
Chili #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge One found it a tad heavy on the tomato, but still found it amusingly spicy. Judge Two appreciated the smooth tomato flavor, describing it as very mild. As for me, Holy smokes! This chili was on a whole new level. It felt as though I could use it to remove dried paint from my driveway. It took me two beers to extinguish the flames. I certainly hoped this was the spiciest one, but as I would soon find out, these Texans had some surprises in store.
Chili #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
Judge One detected a hint of smoky barbecue and pork, with a slight Jalapeño tang. Judge Two praised its exciting BBQ flavor but suggested more peppers for a serious chili contender. As for my experience, I couldn’t help but keep this chili away from children! I couldn’t discern anything besides pain. In fact, I had to wave off two people who thought I was choking. But it wasn’t all bad – it did earn me immediate access to the beer line.
Chili #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge One hailed this as an excellent firehouse chili with a great kick, but suggested it could use more beans. Judge Two commended its use of red peppers, despite the absence of beans. However, it was my turn to question reality. Was this some sort of practical joke? I swear, I must have stumbled upon a uranium spill. My nose felt like I had snorted Drano, clearing a path for me as I urgently made my way to the beer wagon. Even the barmaid greeted me with a sympathetic pat on the back, displacing my backbone to the front of my chest.
Chili #4: Bubba’s Black Magic
Judge One found this black bean chili disappointingly mild, while Judge Two noticed a hint of lime in the black beans, considering it more of a side dish than a chili. Personally, I felt something scraping across my tongue, but the flavor was elusive. Luckily, Sally, the barmaid, was there to prevent any potential dash for the nearest water source.
Chili #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
Judge One was impressed by the meatiness of the chili and the kick resulting from the freshly ground cayenne peppers. Judge Two conceded that the chili could use more tomato but acknowledged the bold statement made by the cayenne peppers. As for me, my ears were ringing, and my vision had blurred. A single fart had led to a chain reaction, requiring the assistance of paramedics. The chili had given me brain damage, or so I claimed. Sally, my guardian angel, saved my scorched tongue by showering it with beer. It did annoy me, though, when another judge asked me to tone down my screams.
Chili #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge One appreciated the thin yet bold vegetarian variety, boasting a well-balanced blend of spices and peppers. Judge Two, however, declared this chili the best yet, owing to its aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Meanwhile, my intestines transformed into a flaming pipeline. Sally stood steadfastly beside me, the only one willing to brave the consequences.
Chili #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge One found this chili mediocre, relying too heavily on canned peppers. Judge Two’s verdict mirrored the sentiment, claiming the chef had added canned chili peppers as an afterthought. But my attention was drawn to Judge Number 3, who seemed to be in distress. All I could think was, “Could anything be worse than what I’ve already endured?”
Chili #8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
Judge One saw this as a perfect ending, describing it as a nice blend of chili that was safe for all. Judge Two praised its balanced nature, neither too mild nor too spicy. Unfortunately, Judge Number 3 met an untimely fate, succumbing to his own clumsiness and dragging the chili pot down with him.
In conclusion, this experience was a culinary rollercoaster filled with laughs and tears. Though the original author of this hilarious account remains unknown, its viral status compelled us to immortalize it here on Culinary Compost. If you happen to know the brilliant mind behind these amusing anecdotes, please let us know. We’d love to give credit to this literary genius who has left us with fond memories.
—Mike from Culinary Compost